The Science of the Christmas Turkey

I wrote this for my friend Lianna. COVID-induced lockdowns are keeping her from her family, and for over four decades her Mom always insisted on cooking the turkey; now in Lianna faces this daunting challenge for the first time, and alone, because her husband Colin could take down a turkey with a 30-06 from 300 yards but cooking it – dubious. Fear not my friend, perfection can be attained. ​

This is based on a recipe originally passed down from my Dad, and which I’ve honed and perfected through serious science over the last two decades. Having committed this to words I thought I’d share it more widely. Suffice to say in brighter years people have flocked from across the city to our Christmukkah open house for this turkey.

December 23
 
Take the turkey out of the freezer to thaw; put in the sink to avoid turkey-ish meltwater dribbling all over your counter.
 
December 24

1. Make the Stuffing:

• Dice one sweet onion. Melt ¼ cup butter in a pan on medium-low heat. Slowly sauté the onion until it turns light brown – it is caramelizing.
• Cut up whatever spare bread pieces you have in your freezer, or buy some loaves of bread. White bread and sourdough work best; rye or whole wheat does not. Cut about a loaf and a half, depending on the size of your turkey. Do NOT use the coarse dried bread crumbs sold in stores or you’ll have a chunky, dry, disgusting stuffing.
• In a large bowl or pot mix your bread squares and your onion. Add to taste the following, depending on your volume of bread. Start small and go up as needed; as Dad always said, “You can always add but you can’t take away, Jason”.
  • Salt (sea salt or kosher, not iodized).
  • Pepper (fresh ground, preferably)
  • Savory. This is the key ingredient! Be liberal but don’t turn the mixture green with the stuff. Start with 2 TBSP, adjust up if needed.
  • 1-2 TBSP each of rubbed thyme and sage
  • Half that amount of rubbed basil and oregano
• If you desire, chop up a half pound of cooked bacon, with ½ the drippings too. Add it in.
• Mix gently but thoroughly.
• Let this mixture sit together overnight, covered.

2.Brine the turkey.
 
Remove the giblets from the turkey and refrigerate.

If you bought a  fresh, locally-grown turkey do not waste your investment by brining. You won’t need to, and can enjoy the taste of the bird on its own. If you bought a supermarket bird may I strongly suggest you brine it. A moist, unbrined supermarket turkey is possible, but it is somewhat of a unicorn. If you are unconfident in your magic use the brine and it will do the magic for you. Instructions for brining a turkey are here: https://www.thespruceeats.com/how-to-brine-a-turkey-336400.

December 25
 
Cook the turkey. Start this process at least 5-6 hours before dinnertime.

• Remove the turkey from the brine.
• Drain it, rinse it, and pat it dry inside and out.
• Boil 1 cup of water, add in a packet of chicken bouillon. Pour this over your stuffing slowly, mixing as you go: your goal here is to ensure all of it is a little hydrated but nothing is soaked.
• Taste it, and adjust now with herbs and spices as desired. Stuffing only gets saltier with cooking so use finesse.

• Pack the stuffing into the main cavity and the front cavity of the bird, packing each scoop down with your fist to make the stuffing nice and snug. Tie off the skin with twine or skewers sufficiently to prevent the stuffing from falling out. You don’t have to hog-tie it: it’s not running away at this point.
• Place your turkey in a roasting pan, nestled so that the legs are exposed.
• Here’s the first *key step* to a moist turkey. Do not skip it.
  • Boil 3 cups of water, and add 3 packets of bouillon. 
  • While this stock is still *screaming* hot, drizzle it over the bird, ensuring that every bit of skin gets some. 
  • If you are doing this right you will see the skin shrink as you drizzle the bubbling cauldron of stock over the bird. The skin is sealing, making a water-resistant case in which to steam your bird in its own goodness.
• Shake seasoned salt over your bird so it has a nice, light dusting. Salt also seals the skin and helps the steaming. 
• Do not use paprika as some suggest; that fake-tan BS only gives you a bitter floppy skin and a dry bird.
• Put your turkey in the oven and cook *uncovered* at 350F for 12-15 minutes/pound. You want that skin exposed to the heat like it’s tanning on a Mexican beach.
• Here’s the second *key step* to a moist turkey:
  • Do not baste it. 
  • Don’t even think about basting it. 
  • Throw your baster out the window. 
  • Moist, basted skin is the train to Drysville: you don’t want to make that stop. You want that skin hardened and crispy, so it cannot let moisture escape. The natural juices are maintained within, steaming the meat in its own moist goodness.
• Put the giblets in a small pot and simmer for a few hours until they fall apart. Reserve the liquid – which should be just enough to cover the giblets, no more – for the gravy.

​Wait. Enjoy the aromas. Open presents, drink some holiday cheer.

• After 12/minutes/pound, check the bird.
• If you can move the legs fairly freely, without obvious stiffness, the bird is done. The legs shouldn’t be falling off in your hands – that means it’s overdone – but should move without tension. If you have done this right, you will be able to see liquid bubbling under the skin where it’s thinnest, between the leg joint and the breast.
• If the legs are still stiff, let the turkey cook an extra 1 minute/pound, checking after every interval, until you can move those legs.
• When it’s done, remove the turkey from the oven. Place it on a platter – juices will run – and lightly drape a sheet of tin foil over it to retain some radiative heat.
• Make the gravy. Give yourself 30-45 minutes to do this right. The bird will keep.
  • Put the roasting pan with the drippings on the stove on medium heat. Remove any chunks.
  • Use a spatula to scrape all the crusty particles from the side of the pan and into the drippings. This is the fond, and it is flavour country. It is the lifeblood of your gravy and losing even a little will endanger its life.
  • Remove the giblets from the water they’ve been simmering in; add that water to the drippings. Eat the neck meat, it's like gold. The rest can go to your cat.
  • Bring the liquid to a boil and then to a powerful simmer, and reduce the liquid. The more you reduce, the richer, more flavourful your gravy.
  • If you are fancy enough to have bought or even made your own demi-glace, add in a few cubes to taste. The store-bought stuff is salty so again, use caution.
  • In a separate cup, mix 3-4 TBSPs of flour into just enough water to make a runny paste.
  • Raise the heat to a low boil and whisk in the flour paste. Let it cook a few minutes, check the consistency, and add another TBSP of flour paste at a time until you get the consistency you like.
  • Here I add a few more herbs and spices to the gravy – pepper, savoury, sage – but that’s a matter of taste.
  • Drain your turkey juices collecting on the platter into the gravy. 

When the gravy is just the right thickness and with a flavour profile that sings on your tongue, you are ready.
 
Remove the stuffing from the cavities, and serve.
 
Carve the bird as best you can. There’s an art to this that cannot be taught. Just ensure your knives are razor sharp, and your bird is held steady; use confident but not barbarous strokes.

Serve with some dry white wine, and some homemade cranberry sauce. Just buy the whole cranberries and follow the directions, it’s easy. If you’ve invested all this time on the perfect turkey and gravy, don’t pollute it with red Jello.
 
Merry Christmas. And if you’re a Christmas baby like me, Happy Birthday. This is a birthday feast well worth the wait.